Hanging Out
We don't hang out because we're friends. We're friends because we hang out.
“If we want the rewards of being loved, we must submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”
- Tim Kreider
Years ago, a mentor said to me:
“The deepest friendships are a result of experiences shared.”
Whether it’s in my personal life or through Third Nature, I think about this idea all the time.
At the intersection of my personal life and Third Nature, is camp.
From ages 8-20, I spent 7 weeks every summer at Camp Scatico, where we host Third Nature Summer Camp. To this day (I’m 35), my camp friends who I lived with every summer between ages 8-20 are some of my best friends in the world.
But we didn’t live together for 7 weeks every summer because we were best friends. Most of us showed up on the first day of camp without knowing a single person with whom we were about to spend every waking moment for the next 50 days.
We became best friends because we lived together for 7 weeks every summer.
They say we’re living through a loneliness epidemic - largely because our society is structured with a bias towards separation and isolation, as opposed to community and connection.
Sheila Liming talks about this in her book, “Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time,” which I referenced in this newsletter on February 26th, where I shared her podcast episode with Ezra Klein, The “Quiet Catastrophe’ Brewing in Our Social Lives“ (still the best podcast episode I’ve listened to this year).
Another thing Ezra and Sheila spoke about in the episode is how adults are subject to the “tyranny of time.”
A lot of our hang outs, coordinated weeks or months in advance, feel like they’re squeezed in around all of the other obligations we have. This puts pressure on us to fit our socializing into 1-hour lunch breaks, 2-hour dinners, or a shared activity with a clear goal (like a fitness class or fundraising event) - as opposed to when we used to live in closer proximity to our peers (like at camp, on a college campus, or in hunter-gatherer societies), and socializing was our default setting. When we live closer to one another, we have more time for spontaneity, improvisation, and true hanging out.
Longtime readers of this newsletter know that I’m an evolutionary psychology nerd. So let’s try on that perspective for a minute:
We evolved in close-knit communities, likely spending the vast majority of our time with the same group of 50-150 people, where everyone knew you and everything was shared. There was little-to-no privacy.
Now, it’s not about whether that was a better or worse way to live - I value my privacy, and love getting to meet 1000’s of people over the course of my life. But it’s valuable to understand how the way we evolved impacts the wiring of our brains.
We’re wired to share our lives with our peers. We’re wired to be truly seen and deeply known.
That’s why social media has been so popular and successful. When we’re so physically isolated from each other (relative to how we evolved), our primal urge to share becomes even stronger.
But I digress. As much as I think about how we might restructure society to better prioritize community and connection, I decided a long time ago that my efforts are best spent creating shared experiences for myself and others. I’ve always naturally gravitated towards this kind of work, and for the last 9 years, have managed to make a career out of it.
In my professional life, I’m one of many community builders tackling the loneliness epidemic by catalyzing deep connection through shared experiences.
In my personal life, I put a lot of thought into prioritizing and strengthening the friendships that matter to me, by initiating and saying yes to shared experiences.
One of my favorite things about Third Nature Summer Camp - especially this year - is how much people make an effort to hang out and have more shared experiences after camp is over.
And yes, our modern society doesn’t always make it easy for us to continue hanging out - especially as we get older, get married, have kids, and move to different parts of the world.
But hanging out is well worth the effort. Because again, deep friendship is a result of experiences shared. Experiences shared can bridge divides, remind us how much we have in common, and lead to happier, healthier, and more fulfilling lives.
Fridays With Third Nature
October 11th | Hanging Out
Have strong feelings about what I shared above?
Picking up what I’m putting down?
Disagree with anything I shared?
Come hang out and let’s discuss!
Topics / questions can include:
What makes it difficult to deeply connect in our modern world?
What makes it easy, fun, or fulfilling?
How have you created or found shared experiences with your people?
How do you want to prioritize connection, community, and friendship in the weeks and months ahead?
If you’d like to join us to discuss all the above and more, we’d love to see you this Friday from 12-1pm ET :)
Third Nature Summer Camp
Hanging Out At Its Best
Loved That
Below are five of the countless things that made me say (out loud or in my head), an enthusiastic, LOVE THAT, in the last week.
1. The Clam Chowder at The Saltie Girl in Boston last Wednesday, which came with a fried Ipswich Clam plopped in the middle - even as a clam chowder connoiseur, this was the first time I’ve ever seen that.
2. My experience at the Apple Store in Boston on Thursday, where I got a new laptop and was able to transfer everything from my old, broken laptop onto the new one - and I didn’t even have a Genius Bar appointment! Which at the Apple Store in Brooklyn, I would’ve had to book one week in advance.
Continuing with last week’s theme of bonding with strangers, I’m especially grateful for Edgardo and Mustafa for the fast, efficient service, and being fun to hang out with for the two hours I was there.
3. Recording an interview with my mom on the drive home from Boston on Saturday.
Two hours into our 4.5 hour drive (that ended up being just the two of us), I asked my mom if she wanted to listen to a podcast.
She relecutantly said, “Sure”...but then, I remembered something I’ve been wanting to do for years - record a “podcast episode” with mom, memorializing her lived experience, to share with future generations (and to look back on ourselves).
I said, “Actually...how often do we get to hang out just the two of us, for this much time, without any distractions?” Then I shared the idea...
She excitedly said “Let’s do it!”
What followed was a truly epic 2.5 hour story of my mom’s life, where I learned more about her - and in turn, more about me. Especially since my dad died 12 years ago, I’m so grateful my mom and I did this.
Have you ever recorded an interview with your parents or grandparents?
If so, what did you gain from it? If not, do you want to?
4. A classic hangout sesh with my friends Robin & Matt, after arriving back in Brooklyn Saturday night. Given the topic at the top of today’s newsletter, it feels worth celebrating 7 hours of simply hanging out with friends, with no agenda or goal whatsoever.
5. Fall golf in New Jersey with my friends Jake, Sam, and Mike, yesterday. In our 2nd year in a row playing this course on the first Sunday in October, we dubbed this tradition our “Fall Classic” - and committed to coming back for another 18 holes the first Sunday in October 2025.
Making shared experiences a yearly, monthly, or weekly tradition is a great way to prioritize and strengthen the friendships that matter.
Thanks for tuning in!
I’d love to hear from you - what did you love this past week?
Feel free to reply with any thoughts, feelings, questions, or ideas that came up as you were reading.
Wishing you a great week ahead!
With gratitude,
Brian & The TN Team